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Television, bless it. There’s no doubt that it was and still is a major, if not the most major, medium in the way that we are entertained and informed. Indeed, it is the fireplace of the modern family; a warm light that everybody gathers round to hear stories being told. For many, it‘s created some truly endearing memories. True, those people are probably the sort who are starting to look like their own sofa, but the point still stands. However, in recent years, I’ve been led to ask ‘Is Television feeling very well?’; ‘does it need a hot water bottle and a cuppa Lemsip?’. Because, to me, it seems that it has gone a little insane and started attacking its own audience: seemingly targeting specific areas of the nation, in fact! Indeed, television appears to have mistaken the people watching it for people who have less productive brains than those of a corpse.

Why do I think this? Well, that is down to the existence of channels that act as more of an insult to my intelligence than any clear form of entertainment (cough, cough ITV 2). I say my intelligence; it would be more accurate to say that it’s the population of Essex that ITV are really kicking deep up the cranium.

I, of course, refer to TV’s equivalent to uncontrollable diarrhoea: The Only Way Is Essex (often shortened to ‘TOWIE’ so it can easily throw up all over Twitter’s hash-tag trends, as well). A show whose producers’ IQs are obviously as low as its cast. The genre given to this lame brand of dribble is “scripted-reality“; the word “reality” blatantly used to blame what naturally occurs in Essex for the ‘kill-me-now’, one-dimensional script.

One ‘memorable’ line, that this writing has tortured the nation with, went something along the lines of “Isn’t Titanic just a film?”. Based upon this quote, do you really think that the people of Essex will be raising a toast to ‘Uncle Crap-Producers’ for atomically-fusing this over-mutated stereotype to the front cover of their county?! I mean, let’s face it, if someone from Essex won next year’s Nobel Prize, we would be surprised…

But Essex isn’t the only British location to have become a victim of Television’s stereotyping blitz. Not at all. Newcastle has also come under fire by another brain-rotter of a channel, MTV. This descendant of the central American channel, which really should have just stuck to the music videos, is guilty of the unforgivable filth-fest, Geordie Shore.

Essentially, what Geordie Shore can be defined as is pornography disguised as The Only Way is Essex. It is nasty. I’ve never known a programme to broadcast real sexual activity to a mainstream audience. Seriously, not only does this give audiences the impression that the people of Newcastle are a group of brainless sex-addicts but your off-spring have access to this material. Imagine the influence this b*****ks can have on a teenager, whose hormones are all over the place; the idea that this is the normal way for young people to live could potentially be implanted into their racing, vulnerable minds. When I describe these pieces of television as ‘brain-rotting’, I’m not just trying to boast my large vocabulary of insults, though that is incredibly fun; this stuff can have a genuine negative influence on the thoughts of the nations’ youth. It’s rather ironic how such a head-in-hands demonstration of unintelligence can be so manipulative.

The trashy arsenal that television mercilessly threw at these unfortunate locations soon mutated into an unstoppable growth. A mutation that grew to be so huge that it managed to spread across the seven seas so it could, indeed, stuff our cousins of the world’s skulls with drizzly poison as well. Of course, once ‘scripted-reality’ made its (skid) mark on the planet, the question that we needed to ask was: Who started it? Well, the answer to that, as it is within many contexts that this question can be applied to, is AMERICA. Yep, it’s their TV sets who are guilty of launching this reputation-destroying attack-turned-epidemic on the world. However, it’s unfair to just blame the entire country for anything so vulgar, so who’s the real culprit? Surprise, surprise, it’s are ‘old friend’ MTV! And what entirely original name did they begin this age of darkness with? Jersey Shore; not at all similar to any of their subsequent productions…

But, the thing I hate the most about this whole ‘Trash TV’ regime is that it’s generating celebrities from a pit of nothingness… and paying them for it. Before any of this existed, fame was earned through a combination of talent and resilience. Now, you just have to live your life in front of a camera to get a bit of the action; you only need the absence of any sense of privacy for that! Take Amy Childs, for example – a woman who rose to national fame and got paid an awful lot of money for going on several bitching rallies, whilst decorating lady parts, using grammar that is poorer than Europe… on TV.

We’ve now established that MTV is a corporation from the depths of hell, that will hopefully be killed very soon. But the question that I remain to rhetorically ask is: how can a broadcasting corporation like ITV, who have also recently contributed some very high-quality dramas to television, such as Broadchurch and Downton Abbey – both of which host a number of under-appreciated actors – also commission such melodramatic chaos? Melodramatic chaos that over-publicises people who are more plastic than a Tesco bag has ever been!

The most recent victim to have had it’s reputation flushed down television’s dignity-destroying toilet is Wales. Guess what they’ve called that one?… The Valleys; this programme is obviously aiming to cleanse the Welsh of any previous over-blown stereotypes. Who’s the producer/the b******?… MTV. Christ. Will this cycle of brain cell-slaughtering torture ever end its incredibly selfish and small-scale racist existence?!

God save us all and, to those who do live in Essex, don’t worry: we know that your day-to-day lives don’t actually resemble an on-loop sequence of Barbie adverts.